On the water

Today I had the opportunity of riding on a speedboat.
It was fun.

The air was cool, the sky was beautiful, and for a moment I had a glimpse of what it would be like to live by the sea.

                     A goal of mine.

I really hope to someday have a career that I can do on my own time, make a good profit, and have so many hours to just reflect on life, read a book, or sleep in. I keep picturing my ideal Seaside home. Hopefully I'll get there.

Hopefully sooner rather than later because I'm getting sick. Too much stress. I feel it in the center of my chest when I breathe. I wake up and wonder "why" and have to force myself to go on about my day. The worst days are when I don't have to force myself out of bed. On those days, I am just a shadow of who I was on brighter days. My actions are due to cells remembering daily functions. I have no feelings and no mood on those days.

I have taken another work day off. I will rest and spend time with family. I should feel selfish or guilty because I usually do when I call off. But I feel like never going back. I will try to enjoy this day off. If I don't, this sickness will grow and follow me around making my moods and behaviors unpredictable.

Ego depletion.

SO for now, I shall think about my home by the sea.

Stunt Writing on Canvas

I joined a free writing workshop class. It's supposed to help us work on things and find meaningful ways to reflect on them? I am not sure...any way, here is my first assignment. I am supposed to come up with my stunt and plan of action. So I followed the teacher's template and here it is.  Let's hope I get some things done.

Jameelah

I commit to writing for 30 minutes every day.

My stunt is focused around becoming connected.

I will consider this aspect of my life from 3 different perspectives, one each week for 3 weeks.

            Week One: Myself

            Week Two: Earth

            Week Three: Spirituality

I want to be more connected with myself, the earth and my spirituality. Lately I’ve been so stressed and unfocused. I’ve been worrying about so much and I look to the Ascended Masters for guidance and they tell me everything will be OK if I let it be, breathe, and think positively. SO I want to start week one with myself. That’s the first tier. I want to be more positive, not only with myself but with others, especially my mother, be more forgiving, more kind. I want to allow myself to be free and explore my sexuality. I just want to be me. I plan on taking time each day to say something positive to myself and to allow myself to be truthful and open.

I also want to be closer to the Earth. I want to be in nature more by taking walks and being in the moment. Resting in parks, spending time in and near water. Taking nature walks or walks in quiet wooded areas. My third goal is to connect with my spirituality. One thing that connects all 3 points in meditation. I need and want to meditate. I also want to spend time figuring out my values and beliefs. Learning more about spirituality, listening to my inner and higher guidance. But meditations is a wonderful and necessary step. Yoga will also be beneficial to do more of.

Removal: I will not pollute my body with cigarettes or excessive drinking

Consequences: I will write a positive note to a stranger every time I think something negative and judgmental about myself or others

Places: I will go to the pond behind my home and sit under the willow tree

People: I will send more love towards my parents and spend more time with them

Things: I will check my phone less.

Research: I will research Graduate school

Data: I will log my unexplainable positive and negative moods

Change: I will clean my room

Practice: I will write a letters to those I miss

Practice: I will sleep and wake earlier

Practice: I will practice being in the moment

Not part of the stunt writing, but I think I am burning out. I have been very stressed which I guess is the reason for the increased libido, migraines, irritability, and lack of focus. I've already called off of work. I need to find ways to relax before I become reckless or sick. I'm not ready to get sick.

Recently

All I've wanted is a cool rainy weekend in, cocoa or tea, good sex, and a good book.

That might be asking too much.

But Universe, if you hear me, that's what I'm asking for.

Where has my Spirit gone?

It is queer to say that I have watched a recent Nozuka video and have felt a piece of his soul missing. Yes this is a queer thing to say. As if I know the man, and the day, and time, and mindset he was in.
It is queer.

But where did his Soul go? Where is that thing that I deemed his soul? Where has it gone from that performance?
The man could have been tired or God knows what! Yet I think I know him...

I think I know myself. But where has my Spirit gone? My vitality. My youth and happiness. My breath. Where is it all? Why is it so easily drowned?

Death has been a topic of terror for me recently. Perhaps it's because of my dad. Speaking of which, I learned what an "Iron Lung" actually is.

I don't want to talk about Death or Nozuka...I barely want to talk about my Spirit.

Things I don't want to say but here is a note for me... make time for the things that matter. Things that matter to me and for me. These things will help my spirit grow and help me keep my head in the clouds but feet on the ground.

I need time for spirituality and time for rest. I'm doing too much.

A fear
My biggest fear
I'll get everything I want and still be unhappy.

On Virginity

No one took my virginity, and I didn't give it away. Like the cocooned caterpillar, it blossomed and grew til it burst free like a bird from it's cage. My virginity was released so that my sexuality could fly.

We can hold hands and go steady if you're ready
Because I think it's time to
Redefine you
And me
See I'm liking you more and more as the nights grow longer
I'll give you something heavy if you give me something steady.
Nothing weighs more than a heart in love