Courage

"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."
-Winston Churchill

I like this quite because it reminds me of the things I've tried this summer and haven't stuck with and the things I've been denied but have stillborn gotten something from. I'm not sure when I will start working out again but I have started budgeting.

I'm looking forward to building a foundation of my own. I'm not sure how I will start or what the outcome may be but I'm excited to start.

I've been in this "settle down" mood for a while now. I think it started after acknowledging that I wouldn't keep with the 30 day challenges. I just want to continue getting into the groove of independence and self sustainment.

In other news, I feel less connected with my crush but I have decided to start working on my core and finding or setting time to run at the gym.

For my references, I think I will start with yoga and this site.

Go Go Gadget!

That fell to the wayside...

HOWEVER! Dear self, You have done more than you thought you were capable of so aplauso aplauso.

Now then, I have not completed the 30day challenges. WHOMP WOMP. Oh well. C'est la vie
And now I'm getting in that bummy mood again which means I'm gathering more inspiration to do more things! YAY (again)

I just keep trying to restart.


I'm happy with the bit of progress  I made and now I know it's time to push myself even farther.

HO HUM

Well I don't feel as pleasant as I did during the original draft. I was typing on my phone and when I went to the web to search for something, the post was deleted instead of saving automatically as a draft as it does on the web page.

So, in order to lower my blood pressure and angry I will begin to believe that those feeling and that moment was ultimately personal and the universe just wanted me to reflect inwardly before making a declaration on the net.

*breathe in*
hold
*breathe out*

I started the original post stating how  I miss my crush. Because I do. I really miss our date and I know that come august we may have a chance to continue our rendezvous but still. He has other things to do. It will barely be summer any more and then we have school and then...life. But I do miss him none the less.

The most important thing in the original draft with the thoughts of Passion. Not passion for my crush but a passion for something. ANYTHING.

See I had revised a goal in my head. Tone up, fat down, and clean. I set this goal to be by the end of this month, July, because I wanted to change while my crush was changing. See he's over in Kenya growing and learning and experiencing things and I'm still just here. Still trying to start a routine to make my self better. And I know that I should do these things for ME for my own personal satisfaction, yet for some reason I feel like, if I could just manage to change by the time we reunite it will feel better. I would feel like I deserve him and that I deserve my accomplishments. I don't know why I think this. but it's there.

And from that, I think about passion and how it bothers me so that I do not have my own personal passion. My friends and I have determined that a passion is a talent that you are willing to work hard to learn. My amigas advised me to try everything until something feels right.'

bit by bit Jameelah.
baby steps....baby steps.

I have NOT been keeping up with the workouts. I'm not even sure what day I am on. I stopped somewhere around 150, or at least I think I did. I just got a new swim suit and I want to look good in it or at least just FEEL good in it.

This post is beginning to feel whiny and it wasn't in the first draft. The first draft was full of wonder and peace.

My interview is tomorrow.
I managed to clean a bit yesterday.
I had juice this morning.
I believe I am fed up. Fed up again, with myself, or with the day.

what happened?

I shall breathe and realize that I have come quite a ways. For the rest of this day I will do more cleaning, high five myself for the progress I have made, remember love, and drink water.

I'm funky and I need this to be gone! I won't be happy until I accomplish my goals. I do love the feelings that I have for my crush but I also won't be happy if I do things in his name and not in mine when it comes to ME working on the things that ONLY I can work on.

I can do this,
because the alternative is grim.

If by the end of this month, I still am not where I want to be, I'll have to remember that I DID make progress and I tried new things along the way.

Remember to love, remember that harmony is sometimes better than balance, and remember that peace takes patience.
-Jameelah.

Fucking bull shit

I wrote a damn good post and it disappeared. Fucking bull shit. I'm going to go calm down then rewrite. Fucking Fuck shit may.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Seneca, The Younger....I was thinking Semisonic's Closing Time, but it's Seneca the Younger.

OYE OYE OYE!
I restarted my journey. MmHmm. I may have stumbled but that's totally normal. So don't feel guilty if you cheat, relapse, stumble, or fall in what ever your goals are. It's a normal part of an active change. Accept your mess up, find the blessing in the situation, and continue on.

It was nice to get back into it. I also learned that I may be doing the squats wrong. Haha oh well, I'll get better.

I made my first green juice today. I used Michelle Phan's recipe and then added more things. My mom had some too. We both really liked it. It tasted like cilantro and lemon haha but it was good and I hope my body likes it.
                         Tomorrow I will make carrots, apples, strawberries, and maybe something green.

Also thinking about going vegetarian once a week. I'll how that goes. I really want to try to make spaghetti squash like spaghetti, because I think it would be a nice thing to make for my crush if we get so far as to making food for one another.
         Speaking of my crush, he will occasionally have internet connection. He saw my message early this morning and responded. I was so happy. Half asleep but happy.

I miss that kid

hehe I didn't clean up today. I might clean a bit later tonight. I'll see.

More pressing matters seem to be that my middle brother needs money and no one has it to loan him. I wish he's realize that we are in the same boat as him.

OH I got called for an interview at this awesome place called Little City Foundation. I'm really excited and I hope I can snag the awesome opportunity. Well cheers! Wish me luck

Peace
        Love
               Harmony
   and Jameelah

I stumbled, I tripped, I fell on my ass...Tomorrow? Tomorrow.

Yeah so I fell hard this past week. It was crammed with sleeping, waking, and going to out visit everyone! Well almost everyone. And in that time, I managed to not stay up with my workouts.  I should have restarted today but I took my mom places, visited my dad, then my dad came here! Then I just zoned out online.
 I spent like an hour and half checking out a good phone case and ways to decorate it.
THEN I started looking for my next pair of sunglasses.
                  I'm so indecisive so those things were very difficult.
 Spent a really long time making a Spotify Playlist. I love it! I titled it "Tea, Love, and Jamz"
                                               really good collection if I do say so myself.
Hmm, my moon time came as well which also put a damper on the workout routine. So tomorrow, i.e. Today. Is when I will restart. I left off at day 13 so I have to continue from day 14. I could start the entire thing over but I shan't. I'll just hop back in and try to keep up. I must say that the time it is taking to complete these workouts is getting longer and it does feel redundant counting to 100 and then some. Oh well, doesn't truly matter
     My goals are what matter.
I'm learning to follow through.
So I'm hoping to work out tomorrow, clean, and apply for jobs. Maybe even go shopping and get my eyes checked.

Now, if you don't mind. I wanna talk about my crush. 

I've mentioned him and the gifts we have exchanged.

If my counting and memory is correct, we have been on 5 dates.
The first was a 500 mile walk and sloppy pita sandwhiches
The second was to yummy burgers and a 2 dollar loan
The third was with tigers, rhinos, and kids (oh my!)
The fourth was pool after harmonizing with the moon
The fifth was a sweet goodbye with the sweetest of kisses.

I would like to focus more on that kiss. I must have looked foolish for hiding away. First kisses are not perfect with me. So I apologize. I'm very nervous about them. He didn't seem to mind. Perhaps it is just my quirkiness that made it adorable. Alas, we kissed. It was soft. And before getting on the train I turned back for another, just to be sure it was real. It was. It was real and real sweet.
     I must say that afterwards I was confused. WHAT NOW? all I could think. what now? What now? ho hum.
I didn't feel fireworks like I had hoped. I didn't feel engulfed in passion like I had thought. I felt soft lips, then I felt confused.

Sounds quite dreary and terrible. It wasn't. I recon that every cell in my being was shocked by how much we over thought the very fabrics of life only to be left in comfort and simplicity. See my cells and my being expected things either to go their absolute worse or their absolute best. None of us (me, my being, or my cells) could have fathomed something so sweet and simple. Yet believe when I say that I felt the electricity. I felt it ten fold after the "what now" arena had dispersed. Understanding that I had kissed the boy I had crushed on through many full moons sends my body into quivers and convulsions of excitement, delight, and pure giddiness. Understanding. It's the realization that everything I wanted was truly on the other side of fear and I had gotten somewhere and as easy as this all is to predict, it's still so wonderful and surprising.

I write this because I want to remember. I want to look back at this moment of reflection and from what ever point of life I am in, re-reflect on this and these feelings.

Aye, but I am left now with memories of my guy because he is away growing and learning and experiencing. I'll wait. And hopefully the guy that returns is a man that I want to continue to grow with and who sees a woman in me that he wishes to experience. I could be asking a lot of the universe, but it's brought me to this point, why should it stop?

It's not the waiting that bothers me, it's the anticipation.
I have a clock set to Kenyan time. Just so when I'm lonely or bored, I can look at it and wonder what he is doing. I think I will periodically leave him messages so when he gets back or gets a connection, he can see that I was thinking of him. It's kinda creepy too because it seems like things you do when people you care about depart this life.
                                           seems like I'm over thinking again

I think I'm done for the night. I am happy to have met him and gotten this far. I am also finally tired.

☮♥☯
~ ♪♫s

Strange Dream

I had a dream but I only remember the ending. I was trying to meet up with friends or go home and I was riding a horse down the sidewalk at midnight. To my right I could see the full moon and it was huge. I then noticed that I was riding by a cemetery. I was scared at first, thinking about zombies but it was so beautiful. Everything was in shades of black and dark blue. I was also on my phone. I recorded some of the ride and what I saw, then tried to figure something out so I was flipping through old photos and started reading an article from 1994 about a bloated girl with a disability.

Strange