Triggers are things that evoke certain memories or feelings. And mother knows how to push all of them. These are the moments when I remember why I hate her. Of course there is this notion that mothers are loving and do everything for us but that is definitely not true for every woman that has a child. My mother is an alcoholic and with alcoholic parents comes this sense that you never know which parent you are getting at any given time of the day.
Will they be loving?
Will they be mean?
As of now I know the reasons why I hate her. It's because of the decisions she has made and the way she talks to others. She can front to be this sexy, appealing, caring woman, but the truth is she is very selfish, childish, and jealous. If I tell her something she will find a way to morph it into something negative. My roommate and I didn't have a lasting relationship because of some mistakes we all made, however my mother says I can't keep a roommate because I don't clean. My roommate never complained about MY side of the room. And we shared a restroom with 3 other girls. Our issues was between She and I not our rooms or habits.
My mother likes to call everyone she knows to complain about me. She makes up stuff about how I feel, what I say and the things I do. I feel if cleaning was such an issue with her she'd have raised me cleaning and would have been a woman and taught me the things she felt a woman should know. But she didn't because she's so childish.
There are more deeply rooted issues as to why I hate my mother, mostly it annoys me that she wants to bitch so much and she herself does nothing.
SO after some thought I will share some of the things that she has done and said that have fueled my hatred for her.
She finds a way to twist every story I tell her into something meaner. I already mentioned the roommate story but there have been other times where she has twisted things to attack me and make me feel bad. Adding to this, she manipulates me and black mails me into doing things I don't want to do. Like buying her cigarettes or alcohol. She will say how my dad and I will do everything for anyone else and when she asks us for one thing we won't do it for her. She says things like that to get me to take her to the liquor store or to buy her cigarettes.
She believes my dad and I are plotting against her. She tells me how weak pisces are, not to mention that I am a pisces as well. She tells me how my dad is weak and how she needs sex or loving from a man. She loves to tell me things I don't want to hear. Like very personal things. I don't need to know how sex was with your former husband or the size of my father's penis. It's stupid. She also tells me that because I talk to my dad on the phone or go to my aunt's house that we all must be plotting to get rid of her.
She only does things in hopes that she will get in in return. Nothing wrong with that right? Due unto others as you would have them do to you...yeah well this is beyond treating someone nice. This is giving money so that God or someone will give you more money in return. This is doing favors so that people will owe you for the rest of your life. This is thinking you are better than your daughter and telling your daughter this because you have given your children a few bucks and your daughter is tired of people asking her for money.
She was never there for me when I wanted her to be. Later on I would see how this affects my relationships with men. I can't stand someone who isn't there when I need them the most, from my ex breaking up with me at a very stressful time, to some jack ass texting me back 2 weeks later after I told him I passed out at work. With my mom, she seemed to never want to be bothered with me unless it was for her convenience or for her fun. This probably isn't true but of my memories from childhood (the few that I truly have) she wasn't really around. She was sending me off somewhere, sending me to be with someone else. I would ask her for help with my homework and she would send me to an older cousin, but even as a child I just knew that I wanted HER help, no one else. She did do things with me, but of the memories I have, she isn't a major figure in them and when she is, she is yelling at me because she is drunk or she is with her drinking buddies. Few are of us laughing and joking together, but its the hurtful ones I remember most.
She wakes up at night to scream and yell about God punishing her. She yells and asks him what he wants from her, or she will wake up to turn her music really loud and to sing at like 3-4 am which isn't fun for a person who has to be up in a few hours to go to school or work. Try and ask her to turn it down and she will scream obscenities at you and stand in your door way babbling on about nothing.
She cheated on my dad. I saw it once, but according to the grapevine it surely happened more than once. I was a young lass, sitting in the kitchen, playing with my toys and she had a drinking buddy over. I went into the living room to show them something and I saw her sitting on his lap whispering in his ear. She was facing him, so her legs were wrapped around his waist and I closed the door and went back to playing with my toys. Maybe that really affected me because in college I stated how much I hated cheaters and I had yet to be in a relationship. Hell it could have just been watching the show Cheaters that made me feel this way. I'm still not certain but I know they are scumbags.
She had the nerves to suggest that my dad and I were sleeping together. What a sick and twisted thing to say because you have realized your husband loves his daughter more than you. It has gone to her sleeping with him rather than it being that you both weren't meant to have a lasting relationship. My dad does love me a lot but I am very positive those thoughts have never crossed his mind. I'm his little girl, his only child. He wants me to grow up to be a beautiful, strong, and independent woman and to later settle down after I have become successful in my field. His worst fears are that I will have sex and that I will be weak and evil like my mother.
My mother, being the alcoholic she is, is also a diabetic. There are several health issues that come from being an alcoholic but what is even more annoying is that her liver and/or kidneys are soon failing. Her doctors have warned her and she doesn't care. The effects the alcohol has on her, she used to just get drunk and yell at me and my brothers, now it is to the point where she just falls all the time. What I hated most is the images I can't get out of my mind due to this.
1. She got drunk and fell twice or so. Some times after 12 am she had fallen again and I went to check on her to find out she shitted on the floor in the restroom and fell trying to clean it up. I left her alone because it made me sick and more hateful. About an hour or so after that she fell again and was on the floor in her bedroom where again, she shitted but this time she was laying on her stomach with her feet in the air, kicking them back and forth saying that she was listening to the music. Here is where all respect from me flew out of sight. I left her.
2. She had gotten drunk but this time I had to witness as she almost went into a diabetic coma. I was leaving out for work and I decided to check in on her and she was laying with her eyes wide open as if she had just woken from something scary or was thinking of horrible things. If you have ever seen the movie Martyrs, then you will have an idea of what her stare was like. I called to her and she said "huh" but that all she kept saying and her skin was cold and damp and she wasn't moving, so I had to call emergency and then call off of work as the ambulance arrived to check on my mom. They checked her sugar and I believe it was very low this time. They gave her something and it was taking her forever to snap out of it. She was acting as if she was in pain even though she was telling the people that she wasn't in any pain. They took her to the hospital and she eventually got better but I hate her even more for that because it puts fear and hope in my heart that I will come home from school or work to find her dead.
And I will be completely selfish here and say I am not ready for that. I don't want to take care of a woman who should be taking care of herself, I don't want to mourn her death, I don't want to explain to my children why I won't take them to see their grandmother, I don't want to have to explain to my husband why I don't visit my mother, I don't want to think about her. I want to move away so that I don't have to talk to her or see her or help her. I want her to be her own problem. I want to lay around my house and be depressed and angry without having to tell some bitch why I don't want to do anything or why I hate her. Why I hate her calling me gay or suggesting that I am, why I hate that she is jealous of me. I'm tired of ranting now but it was kind of nice. Mostly I want to just swear and fight and tell her how I hate her and wish she were dead or at least just out of my life. I hold my tongue but it's really hard. I have hurt myself just because of her. I've cut myself, burned myself, even had reckless sex with multiply partners ALL just to take my hatred to something else so that I wouldn't choke her or scratch out her eyes. I've moved past those things. Now I try to take these times as lessons to strengthen my love and serenity. Oh boy how that's working out. I do believe I am a more loving and forgiving person now, but I know I will regret never knocking her out.
Will they be loving?
Will they be mean?
As of now I know the reasons why I hate her. It's because of the decisions she has made and the way she talks to others. She can front to be this sexy, appealing, caring woman, but the truth is she is very selfish, childish, and jealous. If I tell her something she will find a way to morph it into something negative. My roommate and I didn't have a lasting relationship because of some mistakes we all made, however my mother says I can't keep a roommate because I don't clean. My roommate never complained about MY side of the room. And we shared a restroom with 3 other girls. Our issues was between She and I not our rooms or habits.
My mother likes to call everyone she knows to complain about me. She makes up stuff about how I feel, what I say and the things I do. I feel if cleaning was such an issue with her she'd have raised me cleaning and would have been a woman and taught me the things she felt a woman should know. But she didn't because she's so childish.
There are more deeply rooted issues as to why I hate my mother, mostly it annoys me that she wants to bitch so much and she herself does nothing.
SO after some thought I will share some of the things that she has done and said that have fueled my hatred for her.
She finds a way to twist every story I tell her into something meaner. I already mentioned the roommate story but there have been other times where she has twisted things to attack me and make me feel bad. Adding to this, she manipulates me and black mails me into doing things I don't want to do. Like buying her cigarettes or alcohol. She will say how my dad and I will do everything for anyone else and when she asks us for one thing we won't do it for her. She says things like that to get me to take her to the liquor store or to buy her cigarettes.
She believes my dad and I are plotting against her. She tells me how weak pisces are, not to mention that I am a pisces as well. She tells me how my dad is weak and how she needs sex or loving from a man. She loves to tell me things I don't want to hear. Like very personal things. I don't need to know how sex was with your former husband or the size of my father's penis. It's stupid. She also tells me that because I talk to my dad on the phone or go to my aunt's house that we all must be plotting to get rid of her.
She only does things in hopes that she will get in in return. Nothing wrong with that right? Due unto others as you would have them do to you...yeah well this is beyond treating someone nice. This is giving money so that God or someone will give you more money in return. This is doing favors so that people will owe you for the rest of your life. This is thinking you are better than your daughter and telling your daughter this because you have given your children a few bucks and your daughter is tired of people asking her for money.
She was never there for me when I wanted her to be. Later on I would see how this affects my relationships with men. I can't stand someone who isn't there when I need them the most, from my ex breaking up with me at a very stressful time, to some jack ass texting me back 2 weeks later after I told him I passed out at work. With my mom, she seemed to never want to be bothered with me unless it was for her convenience or for her fun. This probably isn't true but of my memories from childhood (the few that I truly have) she wasn't really around. She was sending me off somewhere, sending me to be with someone else. I would ask her for help with my homework and she would send me to an older cousin, but even as a child I just knew that I wanted HER help, no one else. She did do things with me, but of the memories I have, she isn't a major figure in them and when she is, she is yelling at me because she is drunk or she is with her drinking buddies. Few are of us laughing and joking together, but its the hurtful ones I remember most.
She wakes up at night to scream and yell about God punishing her. She yells and asks him what he wants from her, or she will wake up to turn her music really loud and to sing at like 3-4 am which isn't fun for a person who has to be up in a few hours to go to school or work. Try and ask her to turn it down and she will scream obscenities at you and stand in your door way babbling on about nothing.
She cheated on my dad. I saw it once, but according to the grapevine it surely happened more than once. I was a young lass, sitting in the kitchen, playing with my toys and she had a drinking buddy over. I went into the living room to show them something and I saw her sitting on his lap whispering in his ear. She was facing him, so her legs were wrapped around his waist and I closed the door and went back to playing with my toys. Maybe that really affected me because in college I stated how much I hated cheaters and I had yet to be in a relationship. Hell it could have just been watching the show Cheaters that made me feel this way. I'm still not certain but I know they are scumbags.
She had the nerves to suggest that my dad and I were sleeping together. What a sick and twisted thing to say because you have realized your husband loves his daughter more than you. It has gone to her sleeping with him rather than it being that you both weren't meant to have a lasting relationship. My dad does love me a lot but I am very positive those thoughts have never crossed his mind. I'm his little girl, his only child. He wants me to grow up to be a beautiful, strong, and independent woman and to later settle down after I have become successful in my field. His worst fears are that I will have sex and that I will be weak and evil like my mother.
My mother, being the alcoholic she is, is also a diabetic. There are several health issues that come from being an alcoholic but what is even more annoying is that her liver and/or kidneys are soon failing. Her doctors have warned her and she doesn't care. The effects the alcohol has on her, she used to just get drunk and yell at me and my brothers, now it is to the point where she just falls all the time. What I hated most is the images I can't get out of my mind due to this.
1. She got drunk and fell twice or so. Some times after 12 am she had fallen again and I went to check on her to find out she shitted on the floor in the restroom and fell trying to clean it up. I left her alone because it made me sick and more hateful. About an hour or so after that she fell again and was on the floor in her bedroom where again, she shitted but this time she was laying on her stomach with her feet in the air, kicking them back and forth saying that she was listening to the music. Here is where all respect from me flew out of sight. I left her.
2. She had gotten drunk but this time I had to witness as she almost went into a diabetic coma. I was leaving out for work and I decided to check in on her and she was laying with her eyes wide open as if she had just woken from something scary or was thinking of horrible things. If you have ever seen the movie Martyrs, then you will have an idea of what her stare was like. I called to her and she said "huh" but that all she kept saying and her skin was cold and damp and she wasn't moving, so I had to call emergency and then call off of work as the ambulance arrived to check on my mom. They checked her sugar and I believe it was very low this time. They gave her something and it was taking her forever to snap out of it. She was acting as if she was in pain even though she was telling the people that she wasn't in any pain. They took her to the hospital and she eventually got better but I hate her even more for that because it puts fear and hope in my heart that I will come home from school or work to find her dead.
And I will be completely selfish here and say I am not ready for that. I don't want to take care of a woman who should be taking care of herself, I don't want to mourn her death, I don't want to explain to my children why I won't take them to see their grandmother, I don't want to have to explain to my husband why I don't visit my mother, I don't want to think about her. I want to move away so that I don't have to talk to her or see her or help her. I want her to be her own problem. I want to lay around my house and be depressed and angry without having to tell some bitch why I don't want to do anything or why I hate her. Why I hate her calling me gay or suggesting that I am, why I hate that she is jealous of me. I'm tired of ranting now but it was kind of nice. Mostly I want to just swear and fight and tell her how I hate her and wish she were dead or at least just out of my life. I hold my tongue but it's really hard. I have hurt myself just because of her. I've cut myself, burned myself, even had reckless sex with multiply partners ALL just to take my hatred to something else so that I wouldn't choke her or scratch out her eyes. I've moved past those things. Now I try to take these times as lessons to strengthen my love and serenity. Oh boy how that's working out. I do believe I am a more loving and forgiving person now, but I know I will regret never knocking her out.
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