The Battle Within

"Heal the soul first, the mind and body will follow" ~ Dr. Zhi Gang Sha

     It seems that my body needs a few more days of recovery. I have finally started my period and it seems that there was a domino effect on my health. But I think it's all for the best. In a previous post I was hoping to stay optimistic believing that I will have some sort of rebirth after I heal. Since I will not feel like leaving my house much or moving much for the next few day, I plan on letting my body relax and work on a few issues within. I still have a lot of spiritual power to gain. I don't think I am weak spiritually, I just know that I have much to gain if I want to achieve a balance and peace from inward out. There are some attributes that I would love to have as my own and it would appear that I have been doing well in gaining them. I've had some praises recently, although they are few they are still meaningful to me. Someone told me that I am very open minded. This makes me happy because I want to be more accepting. The next thing I should work on would be judging. I feel as if I judge people and I know that it is just a part of how we think, to judge and categorize, I want to try to find a way out of this so that I will feel comfortable talking to all kinds of people and so that they will feel comfortable in talking with me. 
    
     Someone else told me that they love the way I view the world. They said that I look past the mundane and see something extraordinary. I assumed I was just being naive but there is something in my heart and spirit that tell me that this trait must be nurtured correctly and it will shift from a seemingly naive perspective to something more pure and optimistic. I feel that change would be beneficial to others if I could see past the negatives in them or their situation and share it with them to help lift them out of a rut they may have fallen in. There are still more things I need to work on and I feel they will help develop me into a wonderful human being and hopefully I will be strong enough to spread healing and light so that it will shine in others hearts.

Continuing on with spirituality is the concept of the forces that we cannot see in the universe. While many people feel many different things and have witnessed different things, when one thinks of mediums and spirits it all become confusing. I have a deck of tarot cards and a deck of ascended masters cards. I've heard many negative views about cards and so called spiritual energies all being evil. I don't really have a concrete view of evil but there is something in me feeding an idea that the only evil that exists in this world is the evil in man's heart. I will not say that there are no evil spirits that have hurt people but I have not experienced this and it bothers me that people believe that no good can come of mediums or spirits. I've heard of many success stories dealing with spirit guides and mediums or tools that help one to tap into their own spiritual essence. I do believe in the law of attraction being that like attracts like. I'm still learning about the spiritual world that exists around us and within us so my views aren't very concrete at the moment but I view it as more positive than negative. With that I shall continue my journey on whats in my own spirit and I will continue to learn more about the spirits around me. I do believe it will all help to shape the person I want to be and nurture the powers inside of me.

Remember to Love!!!!

Today is one of those Special days...

     I was looking for a quote to begin this post with but I am not sure of the kind I am looking for. First there are a few things to address. I think I am finally nearly over my illness that caused me great pain in my chest. Now there are only few lingers of pain when I inhale deeply. With that, I am going to start my workouts again at the YMCA. Today it seems I will be swimming with my other half, Joann. She's my cousin but we get along marvelously! I guess the next ailment to address is my bizarre period cycle. It is true that I may have been stress and my sudden bought of illness may have delayed me, but I have a period tracker on my phone that tells me I am 4 days late. Now I do love to get over imaginative about what supernatural things could have happen. I vowed celibacy in September until I could find love so if a pregnancy were to occur, I'd have known by now. So I am worried because the doctor whom I went to visit about 2 weeks back said that my pap smear came back abnormal. That thought scared me because I don't know why it could be abnormal, but I had the hopes that maybe it's nothing. Now, though, since my period is seemingly late, I can't stop wondering what the problems may be. 

     The more realistic me is worried about infertility or cist/uterine fibrosis. The me that like to play games is thinking about the antichrist and a conspiracy by the the doctor to get me pregnant. That all aside, I have an upcoming meeting with the doctor in the new year and I still have some days for my period to get itself together from stress and illness. Now the last thing to address is my past. I haven't told many people outside from a few family members and friends but I have been sexually active in the past and it turns out that the man I decided to lose my virginity to is suffering a health crisis at the moment. Things didn't work out between us but we don't hate each other. He chose to pursue a career in MMA fighting and in his last fight he was injured pretty badly. I didn't go to that fight because I didn't want to be there alone with his family and friends. I don't know much about his family, I've never met them and we weren't close enough for any introductions to family. So the last bit of information I've learned is that he can't walk as of now and his hand movements are impaired. There was also mention of him having a "trek."  The context clues I've gathered from "trek" is that the person must have meant a tract/trach. I'm not sure of the spelling but it's the tube they put in your through if you have lung cancer or maybe throat cancer from things like smoking. My dad had one. I feel as if I have no rights to visit the guy, his name is Jeff but I'm not sure how important that information is to the viewers. I'm not certain if I have rights to visit Jeff because we were not that close and I don't know how his family will feel. I am sure that he will recover from this because I've heard of countless miracle where someone walks again, my dad even recovered from his tracheotomy and the doctors were very grim when they told us that he may not recover because my dad had refused to stop smoking prior to the surgery even though, without our knowledge, the doctors told him that he would die very soon from it. 

     My dad is now on oxygen and he can strengthen himself if he tries. I know Jeff will try hard to get better. Every story I've heard about him from the past is about him fighting. We all fought to get out of our neighborhoods, he fought his struggle a bit harder because he had to get to school and out of harms way of gang violence. The females who have survived the hood often come out scared too. In my case I was lucky to get out a virgin and with a rather peaceful mindset of the world. I didn't have sex until I got to college and his and my paths crossed. People say a vital part of moving forward is not looking back. But I don't believe that looking back will cause one to turn to salt. I often to look back to reflex on where I've come from and how where I intend to go. I've lost many people in my past and not looking back would be not paying my respects. I do believe if Jeff and I had strong feelings for each other, we'd have been together and still together as of now. But he didn't want a girlfriend and I kept playing naive thinking things would get better.

     I'm off to grab some groceries and then to swim. I've never really started my dad off this early but today feels like a day of healing and reflection. May you all find peace through the troubled of your past and work on your present to assure a better future.

Namaste.

There may be a Silver Lining in the Gray Skies

"There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before."
Henry David Thoreau

 I am sick and tired. Not sick and tired with things, I am sick and tired in health. It seems that I have caught myself a cold. I've never sneezed this much in all of my sicknesses so it's pretty bizarre for me. My nose has been getting quite the cardio workout! It's been running since I woke up this morning. Perhaps from the swimming and walking home in the cold is how I caught this bug. My upper body was sore, especially the middle of my chest. I thought that by now the pain would have numbed down and I'd be able to get to some nice exercise. Instead this morning I woke up with a terrible cylinder feeling lump in the center of my chest going down from my collar bone to lower breast cage, while my neck and shoulders felt as if I had been hanging for 3 days and nights in a torture cell! I thought that perhaps it was allergies instead of a cold so I took allergy relief and it has made me tired and miserable. I have a head ache, my legs feel restless, and my eyes keep watering. I tried to do a breathing exercise where one boils salt in a pot of water and inhales the solution through the nose to clean out the nasal passages. That wasn't fun. At one point it felt as if I sniffed in a grain of salt and I was thrust into a fit of sneezes. I'm not sure what to do. I heard exercise makes one feel better but I don't want to go to the gym wearing a face mask and exercising in this condition makes me feel woozy. Perhaps Thoreau is right and I will spring back healthy and in a better condition. I am worried because if  I am worse tomorrow, things will be tough with work and the starting of my Moon Time. But I shall try to remain optimistic since statistics claim they live longer and healthier. I will fill my evening with laughter and tea and hope to recover soon! Too all you viewers, dress appropriately for the weather and I wish the best of health to you and your family!

'Tis healthy to be sick sometimes.
Henry David Thoreau

And on the 5th day, there was progress!

"I wouldn't say anything is impossible. I think that everything is possible as long as you put your mind to it and put the work and time into it".
Michael Phelps

Aloha folks! I swam. All by my lonesome. I was very nervous to go to the gym alone but no one bit me or hassled me. People looked at me but since I can't see people's faces without my glasses, it didn't bother me too much. I would love to have a more Nike attitude, "Just Do It!" But I tend to think myself out of things. In the morning I wake up and a little me says, "get out of bed" the other me says, "nahhhh it's cool lets just lay here and daydream." 3 hours later I may get up to eat. It's my morning ritual unless I am late for something or have school, in that case I lay in be for an hour. No idea why I do these things. Every morning is the same. I even set my alarm early so that I can wake up and rest there in bed. Does anyone else do this? I bring it up because at 1 I said I'd go swim but I didn't go until 4.

Back to my swimming experience! It lasted for about 30 minutes. I have an improper swimming technique and I tried to practice on perfecting it while watching the beast in the lap next to me, but I got water in my head and swore it was burning my brain cells so I left. It was a great experience. I made myself gather courage to venture out alone and I did get my muscles engaged and tried my best. I was in lap 3 and the guy in lap 2 was very good at swimming forward but not backwards on his back. We should have collaborated because I am very good at swimming on my back. I didn't talk to him though. I thought about asking, "swim here often?" maybe then I could have a real workout buddy. Now the woman in lane 4 was a beast! I was at the pool for nearly an hour, trying to find the best place to swim and rubbing my face, and she stopped only once for a break. The whole time she was going back and forth with perfect strides. When Lane 2 guy left I watched The Beast and tried to copy her moves. See when I swim forward I start by pushing off of the wall and I torpedo myself for a few seconds then I start to kick and when I can't breathe I try to remember a breathing technique taught in gym where you exhale for 2 strokes then turn your head above water for breath. My exhales don't like to come out under water so when I turn my head for breath I end up exhaling and then putting my face back into the water. That's ok because I have an entire lane to figure out how to breathe! When I finally catch a breath and get my strides in order, it feels as if my legs are sinking and flimsy. :( not good. I can't seem to fix it. When my head is above the water I feel sinky and when my head is under the water I feel leveled. Perhaps next time I will try to perfect breathing so that way I can remain balanced in between breaths!

 My swimming endurance is very short because I have been inactive for so long and my legs get quite a workout since they do the most work. Lazy arms. I've been feeling like Jello since returning home. And what did I have to eat after my workout? A pot of spaghetti!!! om nom nom!

So what about my hair? I am also trying to get my hair to grow past my collar bone but I haven't said anything on how I plan on achieving this. I have absolutely no idea what to do! Recently I have been keeping my hair wrapped and in a scarf while I sleep, it holds the flat iron style and protects my hair from potentially snagging on my pillow cases. At least that is what the word on the street is. I have never woken up with strands of hair entwined in the cotton of the pillows. But I am practicing hair safety. The hair and nail pills that I am taking are supposed to be taken 3 times a day with meals but ehh... I take one in the morning with a multi-vitamin. As of now my hair is air dried and afro curly. I don't know how I will sleep on it yet. I may put twist in to retain some curl but I am not used to working with my natural hair. I have to heat style it because of this. Maybe the summer would be the best time to go natural because I am not sure how to contain a fro under a winter hat. I should look for some natural hair styles or go see a nice beautician. I am using products in my hair that contain olive oil, coconut oil, avocado oil, shea oil, soy, and vitamin E. Later, if I find some hair care rituals that will work, I'll post the specific products and styles. I really wish Blogger allowed for one to add post on our Pages. I haven't gotten the hang of organization on this site yet but I have time to learn and renovate. 

It is probably time for me to get some creative writing out of the way. Ideas for future posts include telling you all more about me and more focus on my spiritual journey!

In the spirit of balance: Aloha!

Booty Workouts!!!

These first couple of workouts are ones I acquired from a very lovely friend. She found this site and shared the exercises with me. Now I must warn you, if you are in a public place, have family around, or don't want people to think you're a creep, STAY on the exercise pages. I went to the main page and there was ass everywhere. Not to mention some beats for the site. Ahhh so here are the links and what they consist of:

Exercise A: Consists of workouts to target the lower part of the booty
http://www.assmatrix.com/buildabootya.htm

Exercise B: Targets the entire bum but focuses on the top part
http://www.assmatrix.com/buildabootyb.htm

Exercise C: Is the last exercise and it helps to shape the sides of the booty
http://www.assmatrix.com/buildabootyc.htm

Now I assume that these exercises will give one a healthy booty over all. If you do venture to the main page they have an email address and you can tell them the kind of ass you are looking for and they supposedly tell you what you can achieve and how. I figure that doing them all will give you a nice shape and lift and it is definitely worth a try.
Enjoy your booty quest!

PS: This content will also be on the page titled Assersize so when this blog gets longer it will be easier to find! Much Love!!!

Day 4! Did I do the things I said I would?

Yes I did!

Change yourself and fortune will change with you.

Portugese Proverb

I started my day pretty late and I didn't think I'd be motivated to do anything that I wanted but little did I know, fortune was to be bestowed upon me. My guitar was not as bad as I thought. My cousin traveled with me on our 20 minute trip to find Guitar Center. It was pretty scary at first because I don't often drive far from my home, still we found the place. He said it would be a while before the guitar really broke down. The bridge was coming up a bit but the saddle will be fine unless it truly messes with the sound of the notes. I bought a guitar tuner and some new strings so tonight I plan on beginning Callous Fingers journey. Speaking of callouses, my cousin and I went to the gym and it was rather interesting. I bring up the callouses because we practiced volleyball and we wondered if our forearms would eventually get calloused as to hit the ball with little to no pain. It has been many years since I banged up my forearms and I found it very invigorating! But our long 2 hour visit to the gym made volleyball a short activity. 

When we got to the gym, by far, the hardest workout was figuring out how to use the free lockers for you wallets and phones. I didn't read the instructions that were displayed on top of the locker, mostly because I thought I knew what I was doing and I'm pretty short so looking above things that are above my head is not something I do on a regular bases, I know I will fail. Working the lockers were pretty simple, you just had to put your things in, close the locker, slip in a special coin, and twist out the key.  It took some time but we finally realized our mistake (I put the coin in first because I thought it would give me an all access pass to the locker and key.) Entering the gym made us nervous because all the men were extremely helpful in opening the doors for us. What gentlemen :D Getting to work out was the embarrassing part. I couldn't stand more than 10 minutes on the machine that kind of assists you in running. I have no idea what the name is but it is like a treadmill with pedals. My target heart rate was 160 and I was at 180. My cousin and I started on the cardio workout because she said she had a bad heart. After 2 minutes we saw that it was I with  the poor heart. After giving up on assisted running we tried to work out our wimpy arms. We spent approximately 10 mins on leg machines and laughing than actual arm work outs. When we finally figure out the arm machines we quickly became discouraged not being able to go past the 2 on the weights. So what was next for us? A whole bunch of random. I showed her how to do the Sunrise yoga set, she watched me attempt back bends from the standing position in which we joked about looking like Slinkies. Most of our workout time was spent laughing and testing out everything! We rolled on the exercise balls, joked about rolling over on our selves. Watched guys throw around the medicine balls, joked about getting hit. Worked on the ab machines, joked about having men bodies by summer. Laughter is not only a great medicine but it is an awesome workout! 

The water at the YMCA is glacier status!

The bruises on my forearms tell me that I did do something today. My body doesn't feel too strained so I shouldn't wake up sore. My goal is to have a really nice body by June. June is when school lets out and everyone hits the beach. I want to feel confident in a bikini. Considering my body shape, it may be more of shorts and a nice bikini top. I've read to wear dark full coverage bottoms and a bright top to enhance my bust and play down my bottom. 

In a few days I will be starting birth control. My doctor recommended it as just a precaution. I plan on being celibate until I get into a committed relationship and hopefully fall in love! I've never been in love so sharing a sexual experience under those conditions would be great! Plus it would be nice to have someone that cares about me and my decision to wait. I'm in no rush for sex. 

Tomorrows Goals: 

• Drink more water 
• Swim at the Y
• Clean room
• Light reading

I plan on updating about progress every week not every day but if something really interesting happens I'd love to share! Maybe tomorrow I will post up pictures of my volleyball bruises. They look like sprinkles!

Ma'a Salameh viewers!

Ending Day 3 starting Day 4

I have not gone to the gym but I have been doing about 10 mins of yoga. It's not enough but I've had a tight work schedule the past few days. I have been able to think of the kind of spirit I would like to develop into. If you have ever listened to Lauren Hill, Justin Nozuka, India Arie, or Erykah Badu, then you may know the kind of soul I want. They are very down to earth and relaxed. Their music expresses Love and Balance. I need that in my life.

-I haven't quite determined the difference between Spirit and Soul. I think the Spirit is the lively happy one and the Soul holds all the emotions and expressions.

My family life gets me pretty stressed and I never channel that into an urge to work out or meditate. I let the wounds fester and the same happens when I get depressed. I feed the sickness instead of finding Love and Balance somewhere else. I feel weak physically, mentally, and emotionally and I feel that there is so much to work. No idea where to start but a pretty good idea of how to start. Why not tackle all of my problems at once?

I'll see how it all goes.

My plan for day 4 is to first get my guitar checked because I believe I used the wrong strings. A muse over came me to practice and my strings broke. The strings are steel and they seems as if they were wearing down the saddle and the bridge. I think the saddle needs to be changed. It's all broken looking.

Second I will force myself to go to the gym that is literally right outside of my house. I could really use some upper body strength, so many people are having children and I want to hold them all!!! I remember holding my baby cousins for too long and my arms felt crazy and tingly. That and I want to be able to do more chin up than my ex so I can show him I'm the better woman ;-) see what I did there?

Right now it is around 1:30 AM and I've been drawing all day. I can't believe no one online has drawn the word HEART taking the shape of a heart... I could be looking in all the wrong places, that seems to be a trend of mine.
Here is my draft:

It's sideways but it's only a draft so I don't think positioning matters now :D

Is it wrong to feel the need to have Love to complete oneself? I've been told it is. I want to have a lover and I want him to love me and I want to love him. I want to get married and be happy with my lover and our family. I often feel that having someone by my side would help ease a lot of the pain in my life. People tell me to love myself first, to wait for love, or that I don't need anyone else to complete my happiness. But what if that is my spirit's purpose in this lifetime? To experience love and co-dependence with someone who isn't a maternal or paternal figure? My desire for Love goes beyond hormones, being a female, and attachment issues. I think it's something rooted in the nature of being human and the existence of my soul and spirit.

After thinking it over, quizas yo no se que quiero...

Until next time! Auf Wiedersehen!!!

Inspiration Night!

Let us strive to improve ourselves, for we cannot remain stationary; one either progresses or retrogrades.
Mme. Du Deffand
I've been putting a lot of things on hold and tonight I was sparked with a fire to improve the things I don't like about myself! Those things include my poor self esteem, poor health, and lack of hobbies! I decided to start a Journey from now, December 15, 2011 to the summer of 2012! I want a better body and to be able to do more things! I often daydream about a perfect me and I believe it includes things that aren't natural, but I know that there are ways I can get closer to a dream me! I decided to take a healthy route, get healthy first and see if later there are still things I wanna change. So far my goals for the rest of this month is to get into working out and drinking more water. I want longer healthier hair and more toned figure. I'd also like to learn a skill, whether it be speaking another language a bit more or playing the guitar.

Hair!!!

This is my hair now! poorly flat ironed but I think it is pretty healthy. I had the ends trimmed a few weeks ago and I know I should stay away from heat but natural styling involves a condition wash every day to make it look nice. I believe that if my hair was longer it would add weight to the curls and I would be able to go a few days between condition washes for a natural look. I am looking for semi heatless hair styles and things I can do for my hair so that it will not be too manipulated from its original curly look. I am also taking hair skin and nail vitamins which I will, starting tonight, start taking religiously to see if I can get luscious hair by summer.
 Here is natural hair, nearly dried:

Body
My measurements are
Bust:34in (B cup)
Waist: 27in
Hips: 36in
Height: 5feet 3in
I have a pear body shape but I could use some toning up. I want a toned belly, bigger breasts, a more plump and lifted bum, and my arms could use a little strengthening. I won't be taking any supplements for a breast increase, they cost too much, but I will be massaging my girlies for a healthy blood flow. As for exercise, I have no idea what I plan to do besides treadmill running. Here are some pics of my body as of now. Hopefully I can get more defined to look beautiful in a swim suit!

I know that there will be someone who will love me the way I am but until then I plan on making my self happy and healthy! I also hope to do more yoga and meditation to learn to rid my mind of unpleasant thoughts. A healthy body and mind by summer? I sure hope so! Hopefully I will update every week with my progress and new thing's I've learned so that I can see any real improvements. I am hoping for the best! Suggestions and tips, even criticism is welcomed! My name is Jameelah and I'm ending this night with 30 mins of Yoga while I listen to my beloved Justin Nozuka!

Buenas noches a todos!