Stroke

About a week ago my mother had a stroke. I had noticed her voice slurring 3 days before taking her to the hospital. I didn't know anything was truly wrong because she said she felt fine. It wasn't until 3 days later that I saw her facial features looked uneven that I decided to take her to the hospital. Everyone asked, "what made you decide to come in today" after hearing her symptoms and I just felt like they were judging me. Possibly because I was judging myself for not taking her sooner.  I had an inkling of a thought but either I was too ignorant of the signs of a stroke and what it actually means or I  just truly didn't want to believe that it could be happening.


Too many unfortunate things to learn the hard way.

My mom is home now and it's been trouble making sure she keeps up with medicine and all of these new appointments and doctors. I've been so lethargic lately as well on top of all of this. When she had the stroke I was fine, emotionally. It was after several phone calls of repeating the same information and having my dad and brother call to tell me their problems or tell me about my life that I noticed I couldn't deal anymore. I felt stress tickling my nerves and fibers of my being. It built up so much that I was light headed, shaky, and had a terribly short temper with those around me.

I was at risk of making a lot of mistakes on the job that could cost me my job and Lord knows I didn't need that. It was terrible and it's terrible to still feel these effects and negative moods. I'm hoping to join a gym soon, cram it into my budget, as a way of channeling and releasing this energy I have inside and hopefully killing my lethargy.

Ah, finances are another issue but I'm telling myself that it's all fine, and it's a work in progress.  I had a good plan going but my mom's new meds cost over $80 a month unless we can get the docs to prescribe more of them instead of recommending them to see what the insurance will cover. More often than not, they won't cover those.

As of now, I still have the same wishes and desires, but it's as if I'm coming of age again because these dreams and wishes feel more unobtainable the sicker my parents become.

Here's to New Dreams

For this new year, I really wanted one or both jobs that I applied for. They seemed like a good source of income and would help me to achieve the life I want.
So to get these out of my head, I'll type them here.

I want my own apartment. A nice beautiful place that I keep beautiful with these habits I want in my life
      being more organized
      getting rid of clutter
      cooking and baking more
      cleaning more
      keeping a time and space for working out.
I want to be more spiritual. This goes along with working out. I believe I can achieve a healthy mindset and healthy body and that those will make me feel so much happier and worthy.
I want to build my relationships with my mother, my family, my lover, my friends, myself.
I want to feel like I have enough so that I can do anything. let go of self doubt.
I really want to read more and write more this year.
I would love to join a gym with a nice swimming pool and dance and yoga lessons otherwise I'll have to add this to the put time and space away for workouts.

          I want my life to look like a beautiful magazine or blog. Bright and happy but I don't want to diminish life's downs. Those are fine, but I am sick of living in this fog and being unhappy.

These are a few of the things that have been on my mind that I know would make my life feel better. Sometimes I feel like I can't achieve any of this unless I get the jobs but I should start bit by bit with where I am and bring those things to a new home and new job.

I wish me luck on achieving these things.

Righting Wrongs

I spoke about my frustration with my brother...he is trying to make amends...

That is sweet of him. Maybe it makes him feel less guilty. Maybe he is proving us wrong about him...But  I don't care if I never get anything from him. It's peculiar because this is actually the very first time I recall him ever slipping money into my hands. He also bought me tiny wines because he drank a whole one of mine.

Any ways, I don't care if I never get anything from him, I care that he is not in a place he should be. I'm upset that he only does just enough to get by. I want him to push himself, I want his gf to push herself so that they can make something of their lives and not have to depend on others. I want them to be self sufficient and reliable.

It makes me sad. Sad that they are doing so little to build their own home. They are relying on others and just barely scrapping by. His gifts are beautiful gestures but it doesn't break the sadness I feel when I look at his situation and have to think of the kids bouncing from home to home.

This I need to tell him. I need to tell him again, that I want to see him and his family on their own.

Little things add up to big hurt

I noticed something this morning,

I went to bed upset by the actions of my brother and his girlfriend and before sleeping, I scrolled around Facebook to send positive messages to people. I didn't think it was too out of the ordinary since I just saw a lot of hateful things and wanted people to be more positive. This morning, I woke up and was still very upset about the actions of my brother and his girlfriend, yet it's too early to actually rant to people, instead, I sent beautiful texts to a few of my friends who have been having a hard time recently.

So I noticed, that in some odd way of combating my negative feelings, I decided to spread a little love.                             well that's what it seems like. Why not just rant about what happened?

I don't know. It's just something I noticed. But I did come here to vent.

A few days ago, my brother's gf's grandmother died and she took it really hard. She was screaming and crying and he was trying to hold her up. I thought it was good that he was by her side during this time. I also felt bad because she was out in the suburbs with us instead of near her family for support. I sat around wondering if someone was going to come pick her up so she can be with her family and they all support each other (that's probably thinking too highly of this family). I volunteered to take her to Chicago for this because her family wasn't going to and I remember what it was like when my grandmother died. Everyone just needed each other and wanted to be around each other to hold onto our memories of her. Well I was going to take them to the city but my dad told me no, it was stupid. He said they want everything handed to them for free and that the roads were dangerous because we had snow fall and it was almost time for traffic, so no do not do it, it's a waste of gas and time. Send them on the train and give them money for it. OK so I felt my dad was being selfish, I didn't ask my mom because I knew she would say the same thing. I'm finding out, little by little, that parents really do see what you don't or are too naive to see. SO I felt terrible sending this girl and my brother to the city in their time of mourning, but oh hey, they just told me they were going to pick up a huge bag. This bag has nothing to do with the death, it's a bag full of clothes for their children and themselves.

Ah ok back story time: my brother and his family have been staying in our 2 bedroom apt since the beginning of October and it is now well into December. It's 4 of them, they don't work so they haven't been paying bills, but the girlfriend gets a heafty link card and buys food for the house. My brother finally got a job and doesn't get paid until this Friday, other than that he's been "borrowing" money from me and our mom, I have been picking him up from work and driving him to other odd jobs, and when food is low and everyone is broke, he buys cigs and beer.

OK then! Well I was upset that I had misguided myself to believe that this couple was going to be with family in their time of mourning. I was feeling a bit better than they were going to get things for their kids, after all, I spent a large sum of money buying the children clothes and work boots for my brother in an attempt of normalization (it's a process right?) Well I give them 10 bucks each in case they need to catch the train if no one takes them back to the train, I give them my train ticket that I was using to visit my boyfriend and friends in the city on holiday because I wanna get out and live a little. The ticket was about 54 bucks, it holds 10 rides which means I wouldn't have had to but another one for quite sometime which is perfect right? Saving my money to do leisure things. Well I used 4 and my brother and his girl used 4 because I thought this was an emergency. They don't come back until 1 am which I have to drive to pick them up from (they got to the city at 4 to take care of business, what took you so long that you needed to return at 1 am?) I'm still thinking the best at this point. They went to the city, got the bag and are being merry with family... Well they return at 1 with nothing! 

So I'm pissed.  I went out of my way to help you and you waste not only my time, but my money as well. Money is tight! I have loans to start paying off and debt to get out of and you waste my money that I was generous enough to give you to help you and your family out. 

I'm upset because of these things. Because they have burned all their bridges because they use people yet I still stuck around because there's gotta be some positive... Well fuck it. I will take this as a lesson of not to gamble. I'm betting that these people will do the right thing.

I'd feel even worse if come Friday, or Christmas, my brother doesn't even stick $5 bucks in my hand for gas money or hell, even just a coffee.

I don't fancy freeloaders and people who don't take care of things that NEED to be done. Now, the girl helps out around the house, and my brother puts on the facade that he is working to better himself and their life...yet this is all a sham. It has to be. I was misguided by the mourning bit because my brother took off 2 days from work. My dad didn't understand why, particularly since her family hates my brother. My dad thought it was stupid and I thought my dad was being mean. I told my dad my bother was trying to support her, but all her did was hang around the house as they do every morning because she isn't working to help them rent their own place, and there isn't shit that needs to be done in the house.

I went from venting to ranting. My gut tells me this couple is full of shit but the part of me that wants to not judge and see the best believes that they are trying in as small and misguided of a way that they can. 

However, I'm gonna question them as to why they didn't bring the bag back and I'm gonna tell on them because fuck it, I'm mad and you tell on your brother when you're mad. 

The trash can tells me that they had a fair share of beers last night. Let's not bring our children clothes, let's bring back beer. 

Can't Say It Enough

Ahem, I finished school.

Until I decide to go back.

That's not what I'm here for.

Today I have come to blogger to say that I love someone very much and I don't want to taint it with doubts and over thinking. It is simple. I love him, very much. I love how he makes me feel, I love what I learn from him, I love how comfortable I am with him. He is truly positive in my life. He is sturdy, he is my rock. I love him. But I haven't told him. I don't think I have to but my body wants me to. It's funny. I am also happy to say that I am learning to own my feelings and be comfortable with them. Even if he hurts me, I can't regret that at this point, I have loved him with gusto and I have expressed it because it is true.

Yes.
I'll say it one day. For real. I will really utter the words to him and mean it ever so deeply and hard. And whether he reciprocates  or rejects my feelings, I will be happy that I knew them and expressed them at all.

And repeat

My mom is telling me that me and my dad are full of shot, but that's ok because I can hear my niece singing, "you are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring you down."

My mother is a very dependent woman. She needs someone to carry her through life. Men in her life have helped spoil her. How can a mother be upset that she has to buy food for her family, especially when said mother lives for free and also gets food stamps.

I don't understand and I don't want her burden. She can go to Jesus to lay it down. I hope and pray that I will get this job I want. It will help propel me into independence.

Try to be well

On the water

Today I had the opportunity of riding on a speedboat.
It was fun.

The air was cool, the sky was beautiful, and for a moment I had a glimpse of what it would be like to live by the sea.

                     A goal of mine.

I really hope to someday have a career that I can do on my own time, make a good profit, and have so many hours to just reflect on life, read a book, or sleep in. I keep picturing my ideal Seaside home. Hopefully I'll get there.

Hopefully sooner rather than later because I'm getting sick. Too much stress. I feel it in the center of my chest when I breathe. I wake up and wonder "why" and have to force myself to go on about my day. The worst days are when I don't have to force myself out of bed. On those days, I am just a shadow of who I was on brighter days. My actions are due to cells remembering daily functions. I have no feelings and no mood on those days.

I have taken another work day off. I will rest and spend time with family. I should feel selfish or guilty because I usually do when I call off. But I feel like never going back. I will try to enjoy this day off. If I don't, this sickness will grow and follow me around making my moods and behaviors unpredictable.

Ego depletion.

SO for now, I shall think about my home by the sea.